Vapid

Violence on TV and the computer has already numbed me to the acts of bad people, this I know. When horrible stories are shared, I barely feel them. They are pictures on a screen, poorly taken cell phone footage, eyewitnesses and the media are just actors reading lines, playing a part. That's just how it is for me.With everything that happened in CT yesterday, I feel empty and unmotivated to contribute. Yesterday and today, the Internet is an overwhelming emotional roller coaster of grief, sadness, anger, fear, and opinions. While some folks may thrive on the emotional debates that come out of these acts of violence, I have nothing to offer. I am in my own head. I don't want to hear or see anymore than I already have. So today, no Facebook. No CNN.com, no local news site gathering the opinions of those in my town on the tragedy that occurred, no articles listing the statistics of violence in the US, or countries with more gun laws, no trying to tie yesterday's events to previous acts of violence or any of that. I have relocated into my own mind where I choose to deal (or not deal) with this. I understand that for many people, the Internet is a place to share their stance, to take sides, or to try and show others why they feel the way they feel, but I'm not feeling it today. I am numb to it all. The out pouring of emotion and passion and sadness has pushed me to the point of empty.

I used to think that I joked around a lot because I didn't want to show my true self, but I realized that it's just because I like to try and choose who gets to see the real me and my emotions. I guess that's why stuff like this just makes me shut down. There is a tidal wave of emotions and opinions, and victims, and grief, and sadness, and the pictures of prayer candles and "thoughts going out to the victims and families" feel like they have no value because there's just too much of it. I know that's a terrible thing to say, it's just how I feel. To me, the outpouring of support and the politics that go along with it...it's like walking into a room where the walls, floors ceilings and every single content is painted the same shade of grey. There's so much of it, that it looks like nothing. A room full of emptiness.

I know it's fucked up but I can't help it. And since everyone else gets to share their feelings on the Internet, I can too. But I'm not posting this on Facebook. I'm done with that today. I don't even care if anyone reads this, to be honest. I just needed to get it out of my head.

Dana C.