A Visit From Beyond?

Last night, I made the mistake of watching a show we recorded about phenomenons caught on video. Of course, this was not a good idea. Laying in bed with the lights off with my husband who is asleep before his head hits the pillow? Who's going to protect me from bigfoot? Well, it didn't matter because I only got about 20 minutes into it before I got scared and had to turn it off. What I did see before that was scaring the shit out of me. First there was this story about the ghost of a dead woman caught on a surveillance video in a junkyard. Apparently it was a woman who had died in a car accident and her ghost was seen hovering in the last place that her car had been before it had been scrapped. That scared the shit out of me. Watch it below:

Then, THEN, the crop circles. I don't know anything about them except that people think that aliens make them at night. They showed this absolutely horrifying video of a crop circle being made. These lights were whipping around in this field and then they stop...and the field just MELTS into crop circles. They showed it about a hundred times. It was that scary ass motion video where the circles just literally melted in. My sister will know what I mean by scary ass motion because she is all kinds of afraid of that stuff too. You can watch the footage here:

So, that scared the poop out of me. So much that I had to turn it off and go to bed. Not to mention Jim was not impressed, nor was he bothered at all by this video. I was going to jump over on his side and snuggle up but then I decided I would be safer if I cocooned myself under the covers (cocooning is when you wrap up in the blanket like a burrito with only your mouth exposed to the outside world. It keeps bees and killers away while you sleep) I made some off comment about aliens hopefully not coming to visit us because I would hate to have to change the sheets in the middle of the night. He giggled and promptly fell asleep before he even finished laughing.

Then, in the blackness of the room, with Jim snoring in the background, I heard  a little crack. Then another. Then two more and then SOMETHING HIT THE BED. I shit you not I almost passed out with fright. I unbury myself from the covers and start saying, "What was that? Did you hear that? What hit the bed?" My husband, who could sleep through a hurricane (tree falling! TREE FALLING!!!!..another story for another time) barely wakes up. So, because I am panicked, I need to make sure he is more awake because I am not ready to die alone, I say it again, louder...he finally wakes up. There is something sitting on his feet. This is it. This is how I am going to die. He turns his bedside light on and...

The fucking plastic cover from the ceiling light is on the bed. It dislodged itself and tried to commit suicide by falling onto our bed. Another Dana crisis averted. We crack up laughing and go to bed.

But if you think about, it totally looks like an alien spaceship, like a white saucer. Was someone really trying to tell me something? I have to go sleep in that room again. The ALIEN room as it will now be called.

Sweet Dreams,
Dana C.

Got your zucchini caught in your zipper? Why, you big stud!

I can’t help but watch this and smirk. I think it’s a funny commercial and the fact that men are outraged as to how they are portrayed just makes me realize what big babies humans can be. Is it fair? Probably not, but I kind of don’t care.

Check out the Reddit thread HERE where men are wicked offended by Samsung's new commercial.

I know that equality means we should all be treated equally, which really means there should be no commercials about “your typical man” or “your typical woman”  or "your typical anything", but there are. There are PLENTY of commercials out there that portray “your typical man” as a beer chugger. Or a sports nut. Or the owner of a man cave. Not all men drink beer, watch sports, or have a man cave. But there's no outrage over those stereotypes. Where does it stop? Where is the line? IS there a line anymore? 

This is what I know: I tend to not get offended easily (shocker), and maybe I should, but I don't. I don't get fired up about stuff, I'm not super passionate about stuff. It's what being lazy means. This commercial does not offend me. I think it's funny. I bet there are "stereotypical woman" commercials out there that I would think are funny too. Is that bad? Maybe for you, but not for me.

With that being said, it does hit a nerve that people are all fired up about THIS commercial just because men are outraged. It's in the freaking news, for Christ's sake. If this was about a woman, it would not make the news, just saying.

Women are stereotyped in commercials all the time, men. Get over it. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some bread baking and vacuuming to do before my man gets home. And we all know what happens if the chores aren't done before the head of the household gets home at 5:30, don't we ladies? That's right, you get a dick in the ol' poop shoot. Oh, that's not what happens in your house? Well, I'd ask my husband, but you know, he's so much smarter than I am, he'll probably just confuse me with math and big words. It's a good thing he saves me from having to think. Thinking makes me unattractive. At least, that's what my husband says.

See what I did there? 

Dana C.

P.S: Donate all of your Abercrombie and Fitch clothing to the homeless. Fuck Mike Jefferies for implying that anyone over a size 10 is plus sized, or unpopular, or uncool. Google Mike Jefferies and just look at his face. Silly Putty has more life to it. You can almost SEE the string holding his unnaturally high arched brows. If that blind surgeon's train wreck thinks he knows cool, he's in for a rude awakening. I would bet my life's worth that his hair stylist tries to talk him out that mid-life crisis boy-band haircut every 5 weeks when he shows up. Mike Jefferies, I hope when you get fat (and you WILL because karma will make sure of that) that the hoity-toity retirement home you're wasting away in doesn't have diapers in your big size because they're too cool for you. You fuckhead. 

Why did I stop blogging?

This blog is dying if I don't get my ass in gear. I suck at committing to things. I'm an epic failure when it comes to doing stuff on a regular basis. In an effort to punish myself I am going to share with you a couple of things  that will be horrifying for me to type. Hopefully exposing a festering wound to the general public will make me blog more? I'm not sure, but here goes...

Thing Number One: Thunderstorms make me poop
When I a kid, thunderstorms scared me. When I was around 20, I remember hiding under the covers of my futon in my apartment in Pennsylvania during a thunderstorm. I would unplug everything: tv, coffee maker, air conditioning, lamps, alarm clock...it all got unplugged. When I was in my mid-20's I had calmed down enough to not have to unplug and hide. Instead, I would imagine lightening hitting the building and travelling into the house via the stove and blowing a giant fireball out of the oven. That was enough to keep me out of the kitchen during a thunderstorm. Another visual was lightening getting into the cable line and shooting through the cable box and into the remote. Luckily, I solved this by turning the remote so that it was no longer facing the box...because that would keep me from dying. I also invented this scenario where if you had to pee during a thunderstorm that the lightening would hit the building, traveling through the sewer pipe and into the water where it would shoot up into your body via the connection between your pee stream and the water, You would instantly explode. This death fantasy also works with poop. So now, when the thunder rolls, I have to shit. Every time. I have a subconscious death wish to die on the shitter.

You couldn't just hold it, could you. Now you've exploded to death.

Thing Number Two: I stopped shaving my legs for like, TWO YEARS when I was in my early 20's 
It was freeing and creepy at the same time. My skin is really pale and my leg hair is dark so it was like having dude legs. I decided to do it because I was tired of feeling like I had to shave my legs all the time. I already hated shorts because my legs were so pasty (but they will be beautiful when I am an old lady. I plan on dressing like a whore when I get really old), and I figured any guy who was able to get past my obnoxious personality wouldn't care about leg hair. So I stopped shaving my legs. No worries, I still did my lady landscaping and still shaved my pits, but there is nothing unhygienic about leaving your leg hair alone (I say that because I think guys should shave their pits. Deodorant smells better on bare skin then on pit hair and I think it's the bacteria that grows on the hair that can make it extra B.O-esque). Then one day, I just decided to shave again. No reason really, just decided to do it. I'm such a weirdo.

OK, there you have it. Don't tell anyone, OK? That actually felt pretty good. It was like taking a word dump, with you in the room...thanks for sitting on the edge of the dirty tub in my mind's bathroom while I typed some shit into the shiny white void commonly referred to as the internet.

Now, go find some really nasty internet porn to help you forget about my confessions. Do it because you can...because you don't live in China.

Happy Web-sploring!
Dana C.