Why did I stop blogging?

This blog is dying if I don't get my ass in gear. I suck at committing to things. I'm an epic failure when it comes to doing stuff on a regular basis. In an effort to punish myself I am going to share with you a couple of things  that will be horrifying for me to type. Hopefully exposing a festering wound to the general public will make me blog more? I'm not sure, but here goes...

Thing Number One: Thunderstorms make me poop
When I a kid, thunderstorms scared me. When I was around 20, I remember hiding under the covers of my futon in my apartment in Pennsylvania during a thunderstorm. I would unplug everything: tv, coffee maker, air conditioning, lamps, alarm clock...it all got unplugged. When I was in my mid-20's I had calmed down enough to not have to unplug and hide. Instead, I would imagine lightening hitting the building and travelling into the house via the stove and blowing a giant fireball out of the oven. That was enough to keep me out of the kitchen during a thunderstorm. Another visual was lightening getting into the cable line and shooting through the cable box and into the remote. Luckily, I solved this by turning the remote so that it was no longer facing the box...because that would keep me from dying. I also invented this scenario where if you had to pee during a thunderstorm that the lightening would hit the building, traveling through the sewer pipe and into the water where it would shoot up into your body via the connection between your pee stream and the water, You would instantly explode. This death fantasy also works with poop. So now, when the thunder rolls, I have to shit. Every time. I have a subconscious death wish to die on the shitter.

You couldn't just hold it, could you. Now you've exploded to death.

Thing Number Two: I stopped shaving my legs for like, TWO YEARS when I was in my early 20's 
It was freeing and creepy at the same time. My skin is really pale and my leg hair is dark so it was like having dude legs. I decided to do it because I was tired of feeling like I had to shave my legs all the time. I already hated shorts because my legs were so pasty (but they will be beautiful when I am an old lady. I plan on dressing like a whore when I get really old), and I figured any guy who was able to get past my obnoxious personality wouldn't care about leg hair. So I stopped shaving my legs. No worries, I still did my lady landscaping and still shaved my pits, but there is nothing unhygienic about leaving your leg hair alone (I say that because I think guys should shave their pits. Deodorant smells better on bare skin then on pit hair and I think it's the bacteria that grows on the hair that can make it extra B.O-esque). Then one day, I just decided to shave again. No reason really, just decided to do it. I'm such a weirdo.

OK, there you have it. Don't tell anyone, OK? That actually felt pretty good. It was like taking a word dump, with you in the room...thanks for sitting on the edge of the dirty tub in my mind's bathroom while I typed some shit into the shiny white void commonly referred to as the internet.

Now, go find some really nasty internet porn to help you forget about my confessions. Do it because you can...because you don't live in China.

Happy Web-sploring!
Dana C.