Long time, no blog posts!

This year I became pre-diabetic. I had to make some changes that I was not too excited about. It's been weird. Hard is not the right word, because it wasn't hard. Yeah, there have been things that frustrate me: having to be the complicated person when going out to lunch, having to decline certain food items and then feel pressured to explain "why" so that other people don't feel bad, and saying "no" more than I ever have had to.

This year, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons, about myself and about other people. Here are a handful:

1. It's OK to obsess. It's your health
I feel bad for my husband because for the first 5 months, all I talked about was my food. What I ate, what I can't eat, what I want to eat...it was probably a bit maddening. I know he worried about my obsessing because it probably felt unhealthy to listen to someone talk about food all the time. But for me, it was a cleanse. I had to mourn my old eating habits. And because he allowed me to do that, I feel much more secure about my choices. I can not thank him enough for that.

2. Your friends and family will support you, but you have to accept that it doesn't mean they won't get annoyed with your "new lifestyle" bullshit
Unconditional love does not mean that everyone else wants to hear how much I hate the treadmill. Or that they care  every time I eat something I shouldn't. A year ago, if I met me, I would annoy myself: 

New me: I can't believe I ate that. So many carbs! Looks like it's salmon and broccoli tonight.
Old me: Really? You think you cheated because you ate an english muffin? I hate you. Pussy.

It's a fine line between new me and old me. New me wants to share the new habits I have learned this year, old me wants new me to shut the fuck up. I think sometimes I sound a little snarky even though that's not my intent. It's something I need to continue working on in 2015. 

3. Don't get derailed if things don't work out exactly how you wanted them to.
45 pounds later, I am still pre-diabetic. My numbers didn't budge. I was pissed, and sad, and embarrassed. My doctor was amazing. Instead of being negative, he wanted to talk to me about how I can stay on this path, what I can do to ensure I continue to make better choices, and how proud he was of my successes to date. My husband echoed those sentiments that night, as well as my friends and family. I didn't accomplish what I wanted during that time frame, but it doesn't mean I didn't accomplish a great deal. I had to reset my own expectations and not let it stop me from continuing on. Thanks to my friends, family, and my amazing husband, I have decided I should proud of the changes I have made, and use that as motivation to move forward.

4. Your old excuses are just that: OLD excuses
This one is a lesson I have not even come close to mastering. I still have lots of excuses left in me. I still lean on them. I hope to rely less on them this year. That means sometimes I have to say no even though it's a special event, or it means having ONE of something instead of "as much as I want". It also means balancing those one or two cookies with extra good choices during other meals. This will be my first holiday season where I am not in the mindset of "well, it's only once a year, so I can eat whatever I want". Because I can't. Not if I want to stay on this path (not to mention I used that excuse WAY to much in the past as a reason to celebrate and indulge anything I could). 

5. Don't waste too much time feeling bad
It's embarrassing. I feel like I set myself up for diabetes. I ate like shit for years, and now this is the price I pay. I'm fat, this stuff runs in my family and yet I STILL just let it happen. I did this to myself. I'll try to pull myself out of it, but if history has taught me anything, it's that I'm pretty much destined to be THIS....

That mindset is easy to wallow in. To me, there's nothing more satisfying than self-pity. it allows me to lay on the couch and be sad. And it's OK to feel bad, but feeling bad WILL hold you back so don't stay in that place. And don't let feeling bad trick you into thinking that you should just give up. Giving up is only an option if you let it become one. 

6. Sometimes, people just suck, and that's OK
It's true. not everyone is going to be supportive all the time. Some people will never be supportive. Maybe they don't think what you are doing is healthy. Maybe they want you to stay unhealthy so that they can feel less bad about themselves. Maybe they just don't want to hear about it anymore because it's getting old. While it's nice to be nice, it's not my job to make everyone happy. It's my job to make myself healthy. Anyone who shits on that can go suck a dick. My health is WAY more important than your "issues" with what I am doing.

So, here I am...7 months and 45 pounds later. This October I shopped for jeans in the regular ladies sections for the first time since 1997. I have gone down 3 shirt sizes. My boobs are still pretty big (longer, but still big). I have more neck and less double chin. My posture is better. I've been able to decrease my acid reflux medicine by half so far. I flew in a plane and didn't feel like I was infringing on my neighbor as much. I look forward to the weather warming up so Jim and I can go for walks again. I roasted butternut squash for the first time. I eat brussel sprouts anytime I can. 

I still hate water. I still hate the treadmill...it's not about doing everything right. It's about living my life better so that I can live longer. 

Happy Holidays to all of my friends, 

Dana C.

May peace and plenty be the first to lift the latch on your door, and 
happiness be guided to your home by the candle of Christmas. - Irish Christmas Blessing

Who's Got Two Thumbs, and Just Drove Through a Rainbow?

That would be (gesturing both thumbs towards myself) THIS BITCH!!!!!

I was on my way home from work, chatting with my Mom on the phone...just your typical drive home. I got into Grafton, right at the Art Bradish Hot Dog place (across from Nelson Park), and the heavens just opened up. Now it was perfectly sunny out before the rain. I still had my sunglasses on and I was not expecting to drive into a wall of giant ploppy water drops coming down in full force.

At that very moment, I remember looking down at the pavement going underneath my car and thinking, "Jeez the pavement isn't even wet yet".

But because I am driving I eventually look up again at the road ahead,  and I swear to you, right in front of me is a rainbow. And not like "rainbow in the sky" kind of rainbow, but the END OF THE RAINBOW was literally ending on 140 South. Right in front of me.

So, I drove through it. I drove through a rainbow. I drove through the end of the rainbow. No shit, I seriously did. I don't know how, and I feel like science is going to somehow contradict me, but I swear to God I drove through the end of the rainbow. Who gets to do that? I'm so mysterious, I'm like a fucking unicorn now.

The rare and elusive "Dana-corn" Known throughout the New England area as "the horniest thing on two legs".

Makeup Is My Wig: A Tribute

Talia Castellano was a very bright and positive 13 year old girl who loved her makeup. Despite an ongoing battle with cancer, she had the energy and artistic passion to host a VERY successful channel on YouTube as a make-up guru. Her motto: Makeup is my wig. Her enthusiasm for life was contagious, and through her positive and fun videos she gained notoriety within the YouTube commuinty and beyond. She even got to meet Ellen Degeneres and become an honorary Cover Girl! 

Talia passed away this morning at 11:22am. I will miss her. I have never met her, but looked forward to her cancer vlog updates and "haul" videos every week to see what she liked and how she was doing. It's funny how someone you've never met can truly touch your heart. While I am saddened by her departure, I feel lucky to have known her through her videos. 

Talia, wherever the universe takes you, I KNOW there will be a Sephora, because you earned it. Rest easy and without pain, my YouTube friend.

A funny dare video :)

Blue eye shadow tutorial

Talia's Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/angelsfortalia

Talia's YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/taliajoy18?feature=watch

Talia's website: http://angelsfortalia.com/

Peace and Love,
Dana C.

Lazy Sunday

Today was a good day. A lazy day. We got up late, ate breakfast at lunchtime, and ran some errands. Yesterday I was feeling pretty domestic so I cleaned the bathroom. It really needed it.  In the spirit of keeping my domestic streak going two days in a row, I decided to do some baking and cooking today.

First I made  slow cooker Italian Chicken.  The recipe is stupid easy. Place the following ingredients in the crock pot in the following order: 6 Chicken breasts, 1 packet of Italian dressing seasoning,  1tbsp garlic powder (or any salt free garlic stuff you want), 2 cans cream of chicken soup,  1 eight ounce brick of softened cream cheese.  Cook on low for 4-5 hours.  Then dump in a whole box of cooked pasta.  I used cellentani shaped. Then stir it all up.  It was wicked good and makes a ton of food! 

Next, on to the baking. I made a cake! This was even easier than the dinner: Preheat the oven to 325. Mix one box of devils food cake mix with 6oz fat free greek yogurt and a cup of water. Bake for 30 minutes and done! I frosted it with a whipped frosting,  which you need because the cake is soft. It was also wicked good! 

Of course, it wouldn't be a blog post if there wasn't some snafu...while testing the pasta,  I tossed a piece from the boiling water into my mouth. The inside of the pasta tube was filled with boiling hot water.  It fell out of the tube and landed directly in my cleavage. My tits are burned. 

And that is why I don't cook to often. Stupid dumbass pasta water.

Eeek!!! Kill it! Kiiillll iiiiit!!!

This may not look like a big spider in the picture, but it was indeed a huge hairy spotted jumping spider. When compared to the size of the ceiling fan you should be able to understand why there was no way I was getting closer to get a better picture. Jim put it in a glass and flushed it,  but neither of us could confirm we actually saw it go down the drain. Do we burn the house down or simply abandon it?

A Visit From Beyond?

Last night, I made the mistake of watching a show we recorded about phenomenons caught on video. Of course, this was not a good idea. Laying in bed with the lights off with my husband who is asleep before his head hits the pillow? Who's going to protect me from bigfoot? Well, it didn't matter because I only got about 20 minutes into it before I got scared and had to turn it off. What I did see before that was scaring the shit out of me. First there was this story about the ghost of a dead woman caught on a surveillance video in a junkyard. Apparently it was a woman who had died in a car accident and her ghost was seen hovering in the last place that her car had been before it had been scrapped. That scared the shit out of me. Watch it below:

Then, THEN, the crop circles. I don't know anything about them except that people think that aliens make them at night. They showed this absolutely horrifying video of a crop circle being made. These lights were whipping around in this field and then they stop...and the field just MELTS into crop circles. They showed it about a hundred times. It was that scary ass motion video where the circles just literally melted in. My sister will know what I mean by scary ass motion because she is all kinds of afraid of that stuff too. You can watch the footage here:

So, that scared the poop out of me. So much that I had to turn it off and go to bed. Not to mention Jim was not impressed, nor was he bothered at all by this video. I was going to jump over on his side and snuggle up but then I decided I would be safer if I cocooned myself under the covers (cocooning is when you wrap up in the blanket like a burrito with only your mouth exposed to the outside world. It keeps bees and killers away while you sleep) I made some off comment about aliens hopefully not coming to visit us because I would hate to have to change the sheets in the middle of the night. He giggled and promptly fell asleep before he even finished laughing.

Then, in the blackness of the room, with Jim snoring in the background, I heard  a little crack. Then another. Then two more and then SOMETHING HIT THE BED. I shit you not I almost passed out with fright. I unbury myself from the covers and start saying, "What was that? Did you hear that? What hit the bed?" My husband, who could sleep through a hurricane (tree falling! TREE FALLING!!!!..another story for another time) barely wakes up. So, because I am panicked, I need to make sure he is more awake because I am not ready to die alone, I say it again, louder...he finally wakes up. There is something sitting on his feet. This is it. This is how I am going to die. He turns his bedside light on and...

The fucking plastic cover from the ceiling light is on the bed. It dislodged itself and tried to commit suicide by falling onto our bed. Another Dana crisis averted. We crack up laughing and go to bed.

But if you think about, it totally looks like an alien spaceship, like a white saucer. Was someone really trying to tell me something? I have to go sleep in that room again. The ALIEN room as it will now be called.

Sweet Dreams,
Dana C.

Got your zucchini caught in your zipper? Why, you big stud!

I can’t help but watch this and smirk. I think it’s a funny commercial and the fact that men are outraged as to how they are portrayed just makes me realize what big babies humans can be. Is it fair? Probably not, but I kind of don’t care.

Check out the Reddit thread HERE where men are wicked offended by Samsung's new commercial.

I know that equality means we should all be treated equally, which really means there should be no commercials about “your typical man” or “your typical woman”  or "your typical anything", but there are. There are PLENTY of commercials out there that portray “your typical man” as a beer chugger. Or a sports nut. Or the owner of a man cave. Not all men drink beer, watch sports, or have a man cave. But there's no outrage over those stereotypes. Where does it stop? Where is the line? IS there a line anymore? 

This is what I know: I tend to not get offended easily (shocker), and maybe I should, but I don't. I don't get fired up about stuff, I'm not super passionate about stuff. It's what being lazy means. This commercial does not offend me. I think it's funny. I bet there are "stereotypical woman" commercials out there that I would think are funny too. Is that bad? Maybe for you, but not for me.

With that being said, it does hit a nerve that people are all fired up about THIS commercial just because men are outraged. It's in the freaking news, for Christ's sake. If this was about a woman, it would not make the news, just saying.

Women are stereotyped in commercials all the time, men. Get over it. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some bread baking and vacuuming to do before my man gets home. And we all know what happens if the chores aren't done before the head of the household gets home at 5:30, don't we ladies? That's right, you get a dick in the ol' poop shoot. Oh, that's not what happens in your house? Well, I'd ask my husband, but you know, he's so much smarter than I am, he'll probably just confuse me with math and big words. It's a good thing he saves me from having to think. Thinking makes me unattractive. At least, that's what my husband says.

See what I did there? 

Dana C.

P.S: Donate all of your Abercrombie and Fitch clothing to the homeless. Fuck Mike Jefferies for implying that anyone over a size 10 is plus sized, or unpopular, or uncool. Google Mike Jefferies and just look at his face. Silly Putty has more life to it. You can almost SEE the string holding his unnaturally high arched brows. If that blind surgeon's train wreck thinks he knows cool, he's in for a rude awakening. I would bet my life's worth that his hair stylist tries to talk him out that mid-life crisis boy-band haircut every 5 weeks when he shows up. Mike Jefferies, I hope when you get fat (and you WILL because karma will make sure of that) that the hoity-toity retirement home you're wasting away in doesn't have diapers in your big size because they're too cool for you. You fuckhead.