Long time, no blog posts!

This year I became pre-diabetic. I had to make some changes that I was not too excited about. It's been weird. Hard is not the right word, because it wasn't hard. Yeah, there have been things that frustrate me: having to be the complicated person when going out to lunch, having to decline certain food items and then feel pressured to explain "why" so that other people don't feel bad, and saying "no" more than I ever have had to.

This year, I have learned a lot of valuable lessons, about myself and about other people. Here are a handful:

1. It's OK to obsess. It's your health
I feel bad for my husband because for the first 5 months, all I talked about was my food. What I ate, what I can't eat, what I want to eat...it was probably a bit maddening. I know he worried about my obsessing because it probably felt unhealthy to listen to someone talk about food all the time. But for me, it was a cleanse. I had to mourn my old eating habits. And because he allowed me to do that, I feel much more secure about my choices. I can not thank him enough for that.

2. Your friends and family will support you, but you have to accept that it doesn't mean they won't get annoyed with your "new lifestyle" bullshit
Unconditional love does not mean that everyone else wants to hear how much I hate the treadmill. Or that they care  every time I eat something I shouldn't. A year ago, if I met me, I would annoy myself: 

New me: I can't believe I ate that. So many carbs! Looks like it's salmon and broccoli tonight.
Old me: Really? You think you cheated because you ate an english muffin? I hate you. Pussy.

It's a fine line between new me and old me. New me wants to share the new habits I have learned this year, old me wants new me to shut the fuck up. I think sometimes I sound a little snarky even though that's not my intent. It's something I need to continue working on in 2015. 

3. Don't get derailed if things don't work out exactly how you wanted them to.
45 pounds later, I am still pre-diabetic. My numbers didn't budge. I was pissed, and sad, and embarrassed. My doctor was amazing. Instead of being negative, he wanted to talk to me about how I can stay on this path, what I can do to ensure I continue to make better choices, and how proud he was of my successes to date. My husband echoed those sentiments that night, as well as my friends and family. I didn't accomplish what I wanted during that time frame, but it doesn't mean I didn't accomplish a great deal. I had to reset my own expectations and not let it stop me from continuing on. Thanks to my friends, family, and my amazing husband, I have decided I should proud of the changes I have made, and use that as motivation to move forward.

4. Your old excuses are just that: OLD excuses
This one is a lesson I have not even come close to mastering. I still have lots of excuses left in me. I still lean on them. I hope to rely less on them this year. That means sometimes I have to say no even though it's a special event, or it means having ONE of something instead of "as much as I want". It also means balancing those one or two cookies with extra good choices during other meals. This will be my first holiday season where I am not in the mindset of "well, it's only once a year, so I can eat whatever I want". Because I can't. Not if I want to stay on this path (not to mention I used that excuse WAY to much in the past as a reason to celebrate and indulge anything I could). 

5. Don't waste too much time feeling bad
It's embarrassing. I feel like I set myself up for diabetes. I ate like shit for years, and now this is the price I pay. I'm fat, this stuff runs in my family and yet I STILL just let it happen. I did this to myself. I'll try to pull myself out of it, but if history has taught me anything, it's that I'm pretty much destined to be THIS....

That mindset is easy to wallow in. To me, there's nothing more satisfying than self-pity. it allows me to lay on the couch and be sad. And it's OK to feel bad, but feeling bad WILL hold you back so don't stay in that place. And don't let feeling bad trick you into thinking that you should just give up. Giving up is only an option if you let it become one. 

6. Sometimes, people just suck, and that's OK
It's true. not everyone is going to be supportive all the time. Some people will never be supportive. Maybe they don't think what you are doing is healthy. Maybe they want you to stay unhealthy so that they can feel less bad about themselves. Maybe they just don't want to hear about it anymore because it's getting old. While it's nice to be nice, it's not my job to make everyone happy. It's my job to make myself healthy. Anyone who shits on that can go suck a dick. My health is WAY more important than your "issues" with what I am doing.

So, here I am...7 months and 45 pounds later. This October I shopped for jeans in the regular ladies sections for the first time since 1997. I have gone down 3 shirt sizes. My boobs are still pretty big (longer, but still big). I have more neck and less double chin. My posture is better. I've been able to decrease my acid reflux medicine by half so far. I flew in a plane and didn't feel like I was infringing on my neighbor as much. I look forward to the weather warming up so Jim and I can go for walks again. I roasted butternut squash for the first time. I eat brussel sprouts anytime I can. 

I still hate water. I still hate the treadmill...it's not about doing everything right. It's about living my life better so that I can live longer. 

Happy Holidays to all of my friends, 

Dana C.

May peace and plenty be the first to lift the latch on your door, and 
happiness be guided to your home by the candle of Christmas. - Irish Christmas Blessing

Who's Got Two Thumbs, and Just Drove Through a Rainbow?

That would be (gesturing both thumbs towards myself) THIS BITCH!!!!!

I was on my way home from work, chatting with my Mom on the phone...just your typical drive home. I got into Grafton, right at the Art Bradish Hot Dog place (across from Nelson Park), and the heavens just opened up. Now it was perfectly sunny out before the rain. I still had my sunglasses on and I was not expecting to drive into a wall of giant ploppy water drops coming down in full force.

At that very moment, I remember looking down at the pavement going underneath my car and thinking, "Jeez the pavement isn't even wet yet".

But because I am driving I eventually look up again at the road ahead,  and I swear to you, right in front of me is a rainbow. And not like "rainbow in the sky" kind of rainbow, but the END OF THE RAINBOW was literally ending on 140 South. Right in front of me.

So, I drove through it. I drove through a rainbow. I drove through the end of the rainbow. No shit, I seriously did. I don't know how, and I feel like science is going to somehow contradict me, but I swear to God I drove through the end of the rainbow. Who gets to do that? I'm so mysterious, I'm like a fucking unicorn now.

The rare and elusive "Dana-corn" Known throughout the New England area as "the horniest thing on two legs".

Makeup Is My Wig: A Tribute

Talia Castellano was a very bright and positive 13 year old girl who loved her makeup. Despite an ongoing battle with cancer, she had the energy and artistic passion to host a VERY successful channel on YouTube as a make-up guru. Her motto: Makeup is my wig. Her enthusiasm for life was contagious, and through her positive and fun videos she gained notoriety within the YouTube commuinty and beyond. She even got to meet Ellen Degeneres and become an honorary Cover Girl! 

Talia passed away this morning at 11:22am. I will miss her. I have never met her, but looked forward to her cancer vlog updates and "haul" videos every week to see what she liked and how she was doing. It's funny how someone you've never met can truly touch your heart. While I am saddened by her departure, I feel lucky to have known her through her videos. 

Talia, wherever the universe takes you, I KNOW there will be a Sephora, because you earned it. Rest easy and without pain, my YouTube friend.

A funny dare video :)

Blue eye shadow tutorial

Talia's Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/angelsfortalia

Talia's YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/user/taliajoy18?feature=watch

Talia's website: http://angelsfortalia.com/

Peace and Love,
Dana C.

Lazy Sunday

Today was a good day. A lazy day. We got up late, ate breakfast at lunchtime, and ran some errands. Yesterday I was feeling pretty domestic so I cleaned the bathroom. It really needed it.  In the spirit of keeping my domestic streak going two days in a row, I decided to do some baking and cooking today.

First I made  slow cooker Italian Chicken.  The recipe is stupid easy. Place the following ingredients in the crock pot in the following order: 6 Chicken breasts, 1 packet of Italian dressing seasoning,  1tbsp garlic powder (or any salt free garlic stuff you want), 2 cans cream of chicken soup,  1 eight ounce brick of softened cream cheese.  Cook on low for 4-5 hours.  Then dump in a whole box of cooked pasta.  I used cellentani shaped. Then stir it all up.  It was wicked good and makes a ton of food! 

Next, on to the baking. I made a cake! This was even easier than the dinner: Preheat the oven to 325. Mix one box of devils food cake mix with 6oz fat free greek yogurt and a cup of water. Bake for 30 minutes and done! I frosted it with a whipped frosting,  which you need because the cake is soft. It was also wicked good! 

Of course, it wouldn't be a blog post if there wasn't some snafu...while testing the pasta,  I tossed a piece from the boiling water into my mouth. The inside of the pasta tube was filled with boiling hot water.  It fell out of the tube and landed directly in my cleavage. My tits are burned. 

And that is why I don't cook to often. Stupid dumbass pasta water.

Eeek!!! Kill it! Kiiillll iiiiit!!!

This may not look like a big spider in the picture, but it was indeed a huge hairy spotted jumping spider. When compared to the size of the ceiling fan you should be able to understand why there was no way I was getting closer to get a better picture. Jim put it in a glass and flushed it,  but neither of us could confirm we actually saw it go down the drain. Do we burn the house down or simply abandon it?

A Visit From Beyond?

Last night, I made the mistake of watching a show we recorded about phenomenons caught on video. Of course, this was not a good idea. Laying in bed with the lights off with my husband who is asleep before his head hits the pillow? Who's going to protect me from bigfoot? Well, it didn't matter because I only got about 20 minutes into it before I got scared and had to turn it off. What I did see before that was scaring the shit out of me. First there was this story about the ghost of a dead woman caught on a surveillance video in a junkyard. Apparently it was a woman who had died in a car accident and her ghost was seen hovering in the last place that her car had been before it had been scrapped. That scared the shit out of me. Watch it below:

Then, THEN, the crop circles. I don't know anything about them except that people think that aliens make them at night. They showed this absolutely horrifying video of a crop circle being made. These lights were whipping around in this field and then they stop...and the field just MELTS into crop circles. They showed it about a hundred times. It was that scary ass motion video where the circles just literally melted in. My sister will know what I mean by scary ass motion because she is all kinds of afraid of that stuff too. You can watch the footage here:

So, that scared the poop out of me. So much that I had to turn it off and go to bed. Not to mention Jim was not impressed, nor was he bothered at all by this video. I was going to jump over on his side and snuggle up but then I decided I would be safer if I cocooned myself under the covers (cocooning is when you wrap up in the blanket like a burrito with only your mouth exposed to the outside world. It keeps bees and killers away while you sleep) I made some off comment about aliens hopefully not coming to visit us because I would hate to have to change the sheets in the middle of the night. He giggled and promptly fell asleep before he even finished laughing.

Then, in the blackness of the room, with Jim snoring in the background, I heard  a little crack. Then another. Then two more and then SOMETHING HIT THE BED. I shit you not I almost passed out with fright. I unbury myself from the covers and start saying, "What was that? Did you hear that? What hit the bed?" My husband, who could sleep through a hurricane (tree falling! TREE FALLING!!!!..another story for another time) barely wakes up. So, because I am panicked, I need to make sure he is more awake because I am not ready to die alone, I say it again, louder...he finally wakes up. There is something sitting on his feet. This is it. This is how I am going to die. He turns his bedside light on and...

The fucking plastic cover from the ceiling light is on the bed. It dislodged itself and tried to commit suicide by falling onto our bed. Another Dana crisis averted. We crack up laughing and go to bed.

But if you think about, it totally looks like an alien spaceship, like a white saucer. Was someone really trying to tell me something? I have to go sleep in that room again. The ALIEN room as it will now be called.

Sweet Dreams,
Dana C.

Got your zucchini caught in your zipper? Why, you big stud!

I can’t help but watch this and smirk. I think it’s a funny commercial and the fact that men are outraged as to how they are portrayed just makes me realize what big babies humans can be. Is it fair? Probably not, but I kind of don’t care.

Check out the Reddit thread HERE where men are wicked offended by Samsung's new commercial.

I know that equality means we should all be treated equally, which really means there should be no commercials about “your typical man” or “your typical woman”  or "your typical anything", but there are. There are PLENTY of commercials out there that portray “your typical man” as a beer chugger. Or a sports nut. Or the owner of a man cave. Not all men drink beer, watch sports, or have a man cave. But there's no outrage over those stereotypes. Where does it stop? Where is the line? IS there a line anymore? 

This is what I know: I tend to not get offended easily (shocker), and maybe I should, but I don't. I don't get fired up about stuff, I'm not super passionate about stuff. It's what being lazy means. This commercial does not offend me. I think it's funny. I bet there are "stereotypical woman" commercials out there that I would think are funny too. Is that bad? Maybe for you, but not for me.

With that being said, it does hit a nerve that people are all fired up about THIS commercial just because men are outraged. It's in the freaking news, for Christ's sake. If this was about a woman, it would not make the news, just saying.

Women are stereotyped in commercials all the time, men. Get over it. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some bread baking and vacuuming to do before my man gets home. And we all know what happens if the chores aren't done before the head of the household gets home at 5:30, don't we ladies? That's right, you get a dick in the ol' poop shoot. Oh, that's not what happens in your house? Well, I'd ask my husband, but you know, he's so much smarter than I am, he'll probably just confuse me with math and big words. It's a good thing he saves me from having to think. Thinking makes me unattractive. At least, that's what my husband says.

See what I did there? 

Dana C.

P.S: Donate all of your Abercrombie and Fitch clothing to the homeless. Fuck Mike Jefferies for implying that anyone over a size 10 is plus sized, or unpopular, or uncool. Google Mike Jefferies and just look at his face. Silly Putty has more life to it. You can almost SEE the string holding his unnaturally high arched brows. If that blind surgeon's train wreck thinks he knows cool, he's in for a rude awakening. I would bet my life's worth that his hair stylist tries to talk him out that mid-life crisis boy-band haircut every 5 weeks when he shows up. Mike Jefferies, I hope when you get fat (and you WILL because karma will make sure of that) that the hoity-toity retirement home you're wasting away in doesn't have diapers in your big size because they're too cool for you. You fuckhead. 

Why did I stop blogging?

This blog is dying if I don't get my ass in gear. I suck at committing to things. I'm an epic failure when it comes to doing stuff on a regular basis. In an effort to punish myself I am going to share with you a couple of things  that will be horrifying for me to type. Hopefully exposing a festering wound to the general public will make me blog more? I'm not sure, but here goes...

Thing Number One: Thunderstorms make me poop
When I a kid, thunderstorms scared me. When I was around 20, I remember hiding under the covers of my futon in my apartment in Pennsylvania during a thunderstorm. I would unplug everything: tv, coffee maker, air conditioning, lamps, alarm clock...it all got unplugged. When I was in my mid-20's I had calmed down enough to not have to unplug and hide. Instead, I would imagine lightening hitting the building and travelling into the house via the stove and blowing a giant fireball out of the oven. That was enough to keep me out of the kitchen during a thunderstorm. Another visual was lightening getting into the cable line and shooting through the cable box and into the remote. Luckily, I solved this by turning the remote so that it was no longer facing the box...because that would keep me from dying. I also invented this scenario where if you had to pee during a thunderstorm that the lightening would hit the building, traveling through the sewer pipe and into the water where it would shoot up into your body via the connection between your pee stream and the water, You would instantly explode. This death fantasy also works with poop. So now, when the thunder rolls, I have to shit. Every time. I have a subconscious death wish to die on the shitter.

You couldn't just hold it, could you. Now you've exploded to death.

Thing Number Two: I stopped shaving my legs for like, TWO YEARS when I was in my early 20's 
It was freeing and creepy at the same time. My skin is really pale and my leg hair is dark so it was like having dude legs. I decided to do it because I was tired of feeling like I had to shave my legs all the time. I already hated shorts because my legs were so pasty (but they will be beautiful when I am an old lady. I plan on dressing like a whore when I get really old), and I figured any guy who was able to get past my obnoxious personality wouldn't care about leg hair. So I stopped shaving my legs. No worries, I still did my lady landscaping and still shaved my pits, but there is nothing unhygienic about leaving your leg hair alone (I say that because I think guys should shave their pits. Deodorant smells better on bare skin then on pit hair and I think it's the bacteria that grows on the hair that can make it extra B.O-esque). Then one day, I just decided to shave again. No reason really, just decided to do it. I'm such a weirdo.

OK, there you have it. Don't tell anyone, OK? That actually felt pretty good. It was like taking a word dump, with you in the room...thanks for sitting on the edge of the dirty tub in my mind's bathroom while I typed some shit into the shiny white void commonly referred to as the internet.

Now, go find some really nasty internet porn to help you forget about my confessions. Do it because you can...because you don't live in China.

Happy Web-sploring!
Dana C.

X Marks the Spot

There are lots of words that start with an X, but there are very few that I am familiar with. So I decided we could all get a little smarter today and learn some X words. Here we go:

Xanthippe: ill-tempered woman
I know nothing about this. I had to look up "ill tempered". Then I had to look up irritable, since I know nothing about that word either. While searching for "irritable woman" I came across my husband's blog. Jimmy, you and I are going to have a LONG talk when you get home from work. 


Xenobiotic : indicating a substance or item foreign to the body
This is one term an ER doctor has to use when he discovers the drunk guy getting his stomach pumped for alcohol poisoning also has the broken neck of a liquor bottle stuck in his ass.


Xenogamy: cross-fertilization
That sounds HOT. And creepy. Although it's probably less exciting in reality than what's going on in my head right now.


Xenomania: inordinate attachment to foreign things
World, meet my make-up. I am in love with it. Go ahead and judge. I don't even give a shit. 


Xenomenia: menstruation from abnormal orifices
...da fuck? Rag-mata? Where...how...my brain just melted in horror. How can it come out of another orifice? I can't handle this. I wanted to learn more, so I googled it. I found a site that was supposed to tell me what causes xenomenia. It didn't. And there was an article about Kama Sutra on the same page. It just made it worse. I closed the browser and hid under a blanket on the couch.


Xerotripsis: dry friction
The title of the book my jeans are writing (bah-dum ching!)


Xesturgy: process of polishing
The subtitle of the book my jeans are writing (wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaahhhhhh)



Then I came across perhaps the best X words I have seen:


Xylophagous: wood-eating
*tee hee hee*...gobble gobble.


Xylology: study of wood
*giggle giggle*...get in there real close and ingrain my vein in your brain. Observe my nerve. Remember the member. I could go on for days....


Xylomancy: divination by examining wood found in one's path
So the next time someone sticks their dong through a hole in the ladies (or men's) room, don't be angry. Tell the future. The future is growing right before your eyes...


Xylotherapy: use of certain sorts of wood in treating disease
OK, Jim. You win THIS time.


Xylophilous: fond of wood
Oh yeah...


Xylopolist: one who sells wood
Visit the rest stop on 146 South for more details.


Xylopyrography: engraving designs on wood with hot poker
Engraved wood says: I own you...well maybe not you, but I own your dong.

Xylotomous: wood-cutting; wood-boring
If you count the rings inside, you can tell how old it is.

I hope you have enjoyed these new words. Try to use them in ways that will enrich both your vocabulary, and perhaps your sex life :)

Stay Hungry Everyone,
Dana C.

W: Why did I make another video?!?!

Videos are hard. They take all day for really dumb stuff like timing and music and fading and oh my god it's just not easy. This video, which is about two and a half minutes long, took me about 4 or 5 hours to make. Granted, I didn't really plan any of it but I had a general idea of what it would look like so it wasn't a complete fuster-cluck to shoot and take the pics and whatnot. But I'm telling you, editing is just not my thing.

In fact, I noticed after saving off a separate copy in a YouTube compatible format, that I have some screens with bold words and others without. Some things could be centered better. There's a couple of weird skips in there. But you know what? I'm not "fixing" them. They're fine the way they are. Accepting something as it is means accepting and loving the flaws because they are part of that thing's makeup, just as much as the good or perfect parts of it. That's the lazy girl's way of thinking :)

So, please enjoy Meow x 5: Part 2, and thank you for watching!

Happy New Year!

Dana C.

Vapid

Violence on TV and the computer has already numbed me to the acts of bad people, this I know. When horrible stories are shared, I barely feel them. They are pictures on a screen, poorly taken cell phone footage, eyewitnesses and the media are just actors reading lines, playing a part. That's just how it is for me.With everything that happened in CT yesterday, I feel empty and unmotivated to contribute. Yesterday and today, the Internet is an overwhelming emotional roller coaster of grief, sadness, anger, fear, and opinions. While some folks may thrive on the emotional debates that come out of these acts of violence, I have nothing to offer. I am in my own head. I don't want to hear or see anymore than I already have. So today, no Facebook. No CNN.com, no local news site gathering the opinions of those in my town on the tragedy that occurred, no articles listing the statistics of violence in the US, or countries with more gun laws, no trying to tie yesterday's events to previous acts of violence or any of that. I have relocated into my own mind where I choose to deal (or not deal) with this. I understand that for many people, the Internet is a place to share their stance, to take sides, or to try and show others why they feel the way they feel, but I'm not feeling it today. I am numb to it all. The out pouring of emotion and passion and sadness has pushed me to the point of empty.

I used to think that I joked around a lot because I didn't want to show my true self, but I realized that it's just because I like to try and choose who gets to see the real me and my emotions. I guess that's why stuff like this just makes me shut down. There is a tidal wave of emotions and opinions, and victims, and grief, and sadness, and the pictures of prayer candles and "thoughts going out to the victims and families" feel like they have no value because there's just too much of it. I know that's a terrible thing to say, it's just how I feel. To me, the outpouring of support and the politics that go along with it...it's like walking into a room where the walls, floors ceilings and every single content is painted the same shade of grey. There's so much of it, that it looks like nothing. A room full of emptiness.

I know it's fucked up but I can't help it. And since everyone else gets to share their feelings on the Internet, I can too. But I'm not posting this on Facebook. I'm done with that today. I don't even care if anyone reads this, to be honest. I just needed to get it out of my head.

Dana C.

Unlike Me

My blog mentor and friend posted a contest from the Facebook page of The Inn at Weathersfield:

Look what we found in the basement! As far as we know, no one ever swam in the pond. So...tell us how this life preserver ended up at the inn. The story can be true or not. The best - we'll be the judge - will receive major bragging rights and a $50 gift certificate to be used at the inn.

I am not a writer, nor am I a contest person. But I couldn't stop thinking about this picture once I saw it. This story started forming in my mind...it was not like the usual things I think of. There was nothing offensive, or dark, or funny about it. Could I write something like that? Where would I even begin? I paced around a bit, psyching myself up to write. I sat down and looked up the Inn's website, and found a picture of a bedroom with a fireplace in it, which sealed the deal for me (you'll see why later on). I knew I had to write this story. I knew that even though I had made it up in my head, that it really WAS the answer to their question. So, without further ado, I present to you my contest submission...

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In the summer of 1776 in Philadelphia , a happily married couple spent a weekend in August celebrating the birthday of their 6 year old son, Jack. Jack was their only child after many years of trying, and his birthday riding on the coattails of the signing of the Declaration of Independence was cause for much celebration. Jack's parents knew what an exciting time they were in, and they had very high hopes for their son. They wanted him to go into this world with all of the opportunities that the newly formed country was offering. Jack grew up in a loving home, with the world as his oyster.

  

Dianna was a sweet 4 year old girl the summer Jack turned 6. The stress of her long birth was too much for her mother. Despite the tragedy surrounding her birth, Dianna was the heart of her family. Her father made sure she knew what a wonderful woman she came from, and her grandmother lived with them, along with her aunt and uncle, her 5 cousins, and older brother. They lived as indentured servants, in a small 3 room house on a farm in South Carolina under the t"rule" of a cruel farmer. They knew they were never going to earn their keep to be able to gain their freedom, so one night under the supervision of their father, Dianna's older brother took her and they ran. They lived off of the kindness of strangers, working odd jobs to eat, and made it to Massachusetts the year Dianna turned 16.

 

While Dianna and her brother were settling into freedom and establishing a new life in the city of Boston, Jack had came into his own independence. An 18 year old hard working man, he had been on fishing boats since his father took him crabbing in the Chesapeake Bay at the age of 13. In the spring of 1788 Jack was in Boston working on the different boats and gaining a reputation of a great deckhand worth every share he earned. Dianna had found steady work washing the offloads of the fish and crab boats. From the moment they met during an offload, Jack knew he was in love.

 

Dianna did not want to be involved with Jack. He was a white man, and her brother had told her never to trust a white man's interest in her. But something told her Jack was different. Through his tough exterior his eyes were kind, loving, and pure. Jack was determined to make Dianna his forever. He knew it seemed impossible...he was going to spend his entire life defending him and his wife's pure love from the hate of others. But his love had overshadowed the realities of the world. After a year of secret dates, stolen kisses, and hidden glances, he decided to do something about it.

 

He took her away for a summer weekend in Vermont, to a quiet town in Southern Vermont. Laying under the stars that first night in a clearing he had picked out, they fell asleep gazing into each others eyes, feeling content for the first time in their lives. The next day, he got down on one knee in the middle of the clearing and said to her, "Dianna, I have nothing but my love for you in my heart. You have made me feel like my life is worth living and I am going to live it with you. I have bought this land to build you a home. Here we will live, get married, and have babies. We will turn our love into a family of love and we will share that love with this town and they will have no choice but to love us back. I know this will happen because my heart tells me so...." She smiled down on him and started to ask, "But how..." and he continued, "I have no idea", he said with tears in his eyes, "But we will do it all. I don't have a ring to make this promise because I spent all of my savings on this land to build our home, but I found something that I hope you will accept" He got up, ran over to his bag, and pulled out a life buoy. As he jogged back, she couldn't help but giggle at his innocence and sweetness. Back down on one knee, he said "We use these on our boats. If one of us falls in the water, we throw it to them to keep them afloat until we can pull them back in. It's called a kisby ring and I think it better shows you how I feel than any silly ring you would wear on your finger. It's my promise to keep you afloat, to always be there to support you and to save you if you need to be saved. You will have me to hold onto whenever you need me. Forever" She took the kisby ring and threw her arms around his neck, tears streaming down her face. "Forever?", she whispered in his ear. "Forever", he confirmed.

 

A few years later, they were settling into their new home that Jack built. It was just starting to snow and Dianna was bustling around the house. "Jack, can you come help me hang this over the hearth?". Jack walked into their bedroom, his heart swelling with love at the sight of his wife carrying their first child. "Dianna, why in God's earth are you doing with that silly life buoy?"

 

"I'm hanging it over the fireplace. This is the symbol of our love, and of our family. I want it to be here in the room when the baby is born. I want the story of our love to be the first thing the baby hears. And when they get married and build their first home, they will have the tradition of hanging their own family symbol in their home" He hung the life buoy over the fireplace, and turned to wife, "You are an amazing woman, and you are going to be an even more amazing mother. I love you".

 

"Forever?", she said playfully.

 

"Forever", he confirmed.

 

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So, that was my contest submission. I hope you enjoyed it. I feel a little funny about sharing it because it's not funny, or gross. It doesn't even have a swear word in it, but it's still me.

 

Dana C.

Tubin' Again

I should have cleaned today. I should have done more laundry. I should have gone to the grocery store and bought groceries. Instead of doing any of those things, I made a vlog.

I watch YouTube videos all the time. I am subscribed to a bunch of different YouTubers and my husband told me I should make a real video and post it. He says I'm funny. I think it's just because he wants to have sex with me and he knows compliments get me hot.

This "work of shart" took me way to long to shoot, edit, save, convert and upload . Maybe that's because I have no idea how to use or find free video editing software, so I used the free Windows shite that came on the PC? Who knows. All I know is that in just a few short hours, I was able to birth my first actual edited vlog. Boner Petit!

MEOW X 5

If you enjoyed this vlog, let me know and please subscribe to my YouTube Channel (click HERE). I have some footage for Part 2 already shot so if everyone hates it I will delete it off of my phone through a veil of tears...

Dana C.

S: Stuck

I have writer's block. My brain is absolutely empty of things to write about. It's strange because I normally have a lot to say about nothing but for some reason, there's just nothing there. I don't know if it's just this time of year...there's so much distraction with holidays and politics and maybe all that crap just takes the space where my imagination lives. But I need to write. I need to get something out. It's like there's a shit log in my brain and I'm constipated, unable to push out the words.

"In Ernest Hemingway’s memoir A Moveable Feast, (my all time favorite book. If you haven't read it, do it. It's amazing) he recalls days spent in Paris suffering from writer’s block.  Hemingway tells himself, “’Do not worry. You have always written before and you will write now. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.’” 


One true sentence. That's scary to me for some reason. What I share something TOO true? What if I write something that, while it may be true, has no value? Whatever. I need to just get over this. Here are some truths:


I love bad TV. I like to watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Jersey Shore, Sister Wives, Celebrity Rehab, etc. I will watch anything that looks like it will make me more stupid. What dumb TV shows or movies do you not usually share with people?

I love bad food. My #1 is Hot Pockets. I love them all: Hot Pockets, Lean Pockets, Pretzel Pockets, Breakfast Pockets. I love them all. There are 2 in the box, so 2 is a meal. They are incredible. I could eat them every night for dinner, no joke. I also love sugar. More than anything...except people. But seriously I will sugar over anything. I love cookies, cake, ice cream, candy...I love them all. I eat so much sugar that I will more than likely end up with some form of diabetes. I hope not, but I would not be surprised.

I am way too afraid of dumb shit. OK, I think it's perfectly acceptable to be afraid of bees so I'm not going to get into that one. But I am also afraid that the front wall of the house is going to fall off, I'm afraid that light bulbs will catch the ceiling on fire, I'm afraid of thunderstorms even though I pretend not to be anymore, I'm afraid that we will leave something out that one of the cats will choke on and die...and that's just the stuff off the top of my head. I basically spend my entire day trying not to lose my shit. 

I hate to clean. I used to have such a clean apartment. People who have spent time in any of my apartments in MA would be horrified to see how much I don't care about cleaning. Cleaning was easy when all i had was one cat. Now I have a husband, 5 cats and the dustiest bird in the world. I gave up very early. I haven't died from it so I don't care if the house is dirty. In fact, I'd like to think it keep people away, which leads me to...

I'm actually an ambivert (50% introvert and 50% extrovert). When I am out in the general population, I can interact and have fun. But the introvert goes home and hides in the nook of her husband. Home where there are no people, no surprise visits. I love them both equally. I used to think I was a fake fun person with this dark secret that I hated people, but that's not true (although some days I do hate people). I need a n equal balance in order to feel whole. 

So, there are 5 of my truths. While they may not have been the most earth shattering concepts, I was able to work through my writer's block, which makes me happy. What are some of your truths? Maybe you can use this technique the next time you need to get through a block.

Dana C.

Racation

I know I'm supposed to blog about something that starts with the letter R but since we just got back from vacation, I'm going to blog about "racation", which is the Scooby-Do pronunciation of vacation. There, done!

I knew it was going to be difficult (impossible) to blog on vacation. We did not bring a computer, and Las Vegas has terrible cell phone reception. In fact, the only place in the hotel that we could even check Facebook on our phones was in the bathroom in our hotel room, and even that took 5 minutes to load. So, hopefully nothing super huge happened on Facebook while we were gone. Before leaving, I decided I would take videos instead. So, here is the fist video I took. It's the "pre-vacation" video:

AND just so you know, I am STILL getting over that cold. In fact, the weather back here has made it worse again. I'm in the "cough till you puke" phase this weekend. Awesome.


Next up is a really cool e-billboard we saw on day 2 (I think). We were walking the north half of the strip and stopped at this. And watched it go though its entire ad cycle. Twice. Jim wanted me to record it, not so we could share it you, but because he knew he'd want to watch it again :)

This next video I took on the way out of Aria. I had just lost money in there and when we came out, we came across this neat water wall. The beauty of this was somewhat lost on me because I was feeling ripped off. Disregard my jaded comments:

This one is a quick video and it really is worthless except for funny I find it every time I see this game. The pandas in China Mystery are wild, and if they can be used, they become animated and look like they are in a dryer...I know I shouldn't find that funny, but it cracks me up...

And, shortly after posting the Panda in a Dryer video on YouTube, someone commented "your face is appalling". Thanks for that, jerk-off :)

Ah, the fountains at Bellagio. It's something you have to go see if you visit Las Vegas. When we went on our honeymoon, we were treated to Andrea Bochelli and Sarah Brightman's "Time to Say Goodbye" which we both really like and enjoyed. This time, the first one we saw was "This Kiss" by Faith Hill. Now, I won't say that I don't like that song, but it was kind of stupid to watch the fountains with it. In fact, we both agreed that it was hokey enough that we would come back again on another night and hope for a less lame song. So we went back on another night and was treated to David Foster's "Winter Games". No offense to anyone, but of all the songs, that one is not a favorite. And I am not picky when it comes to music. We decided to try AGAIN and see what else was on the song list. When this started up, I thought someone was playing a joke on me..

A few weeks back, I hurt my back. I was bummed because I wanted to ride roller coasters and the zipline down Freemont Street. Luckily I was able to rest and take muscle relaxers so that I could walk. When we got there, on day 2 we rode the roller coaster at New York, New York and it was so much fun! Then on a different day, we rode the roller coaster at Circus Circus, which was also fun. We decided to try the ziplines at Freemont Street. You start at about 5 stories high and end about 2. I loved everything except for the end. I slammed so hard at the end of the line that it freaked me out. Of course, it didn't freak me out enough to stop me from doing it again!!! We were able to go once during the day and once at night, and that was AFTER a wicked fancy dinner at Binion's Steakhouse. Thankfully I didn't puke up my scampi :) This video is one I took of other people doing it since you are not supposed to film while on the zipline.

Now, onto the slot machine wins. I had a couple of decent hits while we were there, but nothing spectacular. The losses were slow enough that we were never going back to our rooms with empty pockets, but the wins were more there to keep us floating. On our last night, we went back to the room to do some pre-packing. It was late, after 11pm, and I was tired. We had some 20's left from the day (about $200) so we decided to go down and play them. Here is what happened:

And here is the hand pay. Every time we visit a fountain we always throw money in. Since I already knew we were going to have fun and we weren't losing all of our bankroll every day, every coin I threw in I wished for a hand pay. A hand pay is when you win on a slot machine, and the winnings are over $1200. It is a federal law that you get an attendant to pay out the winnings along with the required federal tax forms. Since we tend to play penny machines, hand pays are not prevalent. But I wished anyways. And now, you get to see my wish come true:

After we got our hand pay, we went back to our room and took all of these obnoxious pictures of the cash we were bringing home. We were so excited to be leaving with a profit!It was nice to be fake rich even if it were only for a night :)

The next day, we got on a plane and came back home. We are both still fucked when it comes to sleeping (we can't get to sleep and end up sleeping way too late) and I can not get rid of this cough. But our credit card is paid off, we have money to get the driveway fixed, and maybe even have a little something left over. Of course with this storm of death coming, maybe we should go get a generator :)

Here's the link to our Vegas 2012 Racaction pictures, if you want to see more:
http://jimanddanapictures.shutterfly.com/pictures/667

Dana C

Q: Quiet!

At night, when we turn off the TV in the bedroom, one of us always says, "Shh, TV! Shut the fuck up." I don't know when we started doing that but it has become a nighttime ritual. When thinking of the letter Q, I was trying to come up with a witty topic...but since I have been playing Word With Friends, all I keep coming up with is QI, but since I really don't know much about Chinese medicine or martial arts, that was not going to work. I kept coming back to the word quiet. That made me think about our nighttime ritual and then, just like that, I was flooded with things about silence, about quiet.

Shh, TV!

There are good quiets and bad ones, and both are different depending on a person's past experiences with silence. A good one is when all is so good and perfect, there is no need for words, no need to fill the silence. Because in that moment the silence is not perceived as a void as much as it is part of the perfect. Summer nights out on the porch, a drive home from a long day at work...even a moment in the shower when the water temp is just right. There are also good moments of quiet after sound. Like when you're with your family and you're reminiscing about the past. Someone starts a story, everyone chiming in with "their version of the events as they remember them"...then there's the punchline, the completion of the anecdote. Everyone laughs. After a short period of time, the room fills with the silence of everyone smiling, everyone remembering. feeling the memory and the warmth of the laughter. It's comfortable, serene, and sweet in that moment.

There are those quiet moments after a loud event, like a concert (or in our case, the casino). When we stay at Foxwoods, there's something so strange that happens when we get back to our room. There's this buzzing silence. It's funny because it feels like excitement but all you can hear is the sound of your blood in your ears. That post-noise quiet always makes me feel funny and slightly uneasy. Sometimes I think that it's never going to stop and I'll hear this blood rushing sound forever. Then I get all panicky and freaked out. But then we turn on the TV (thank GOD for TV) and the sound of the Discovery Channel displaces the buzzing...and the panic disappears and I can feel comfortable in my own skin again.

OMG OMG WTF Was THAT?!?!

Then there are the scary quiets. With 5 cats in our house, nighttime is never totally peaceful and serene. In fact, there are these moments when the cats do something that makes a loud noise (knocking everything off the fridge, knocking over a sculpture, etc) and I wake up at the end of that commotion, scared shitless. In that moment all I can hear is the quiet but I can't tell if there actually WAS a loud noise or if I was dreaming it. So I lay there and listen. I figure if it's the cats I won't hear anything but if it's a killer, I'll hear footsteps or something...I have a very active imagination at night. When I don't hear anything, I am relieved. Until I say to myself, "What if it's a really good killer and the reason why I can't hear anything is because he has hold-still ninja abilities....waiting for an innocent victim to get up and patrol the house, unknowingly walking directly to their death?". So then I wake Jim up and make him go look. I figure he could hold the guy off long enough for me to call 911. When he comes back upstairs, he says: The cats knocked (Insert Object) onto (Insert Surface) which made the noise, OK? And I say OK and lay back down, imagining Jim walking past a dark corner to yell at the cats, not seeing the killer ninja in the shadows. So then I have to lay there and listen for ANYTHING that could be a killer...until I fall back to sleep.

Those are some of MY quiets? What about you? Do have your own good and/bad quiets? Comment and share your quiets with me.

 
Enjoy a moment of quiet today,
Dana C.                            

Pussy!!!

NO, not that kind. The furry kind...er...the hairy kind...never mind. I mean cats. First, let me start off by saying that I didn't always like cats. I thought they were snobby, no fun pets that people who live in apartments had because they couldn't have dogs. Then I met my friend Shelby's cat, Weezy (Louise). I used to go over and check on Weezy when Shelby was traveling. I would go over and sit on the couch (I watched TV over there because Shelby had better cable than I did) and Weezy would come sit right next to me so I could pet her.  Then I go over to the kitchen sink and she would start to dance, because that was where the brush was. It was so cute!

Then I got my first cat, Kitty. What a cat. Picture this: It's the middle of the night. I'm awoken by a sound I've never heard before. It's this weird gag/hack. I turn on the light and there is Kitty with about 10 inches of the elastic from a pair of pajama bottoms down her throat. I had to slowly pull it out (basically from her stomach) while we both were gagging. Then there were the games she would play, like "Middle of the night knock everything off the dresser", and "I want to move into the kitchen sink and live there forever". One morning, I made toast and brought the container of margarine out to the coffee table. I swear I was only gone for a minute and that cat had her face planted in the tub. I hissed at her and she looked up at me, chewing a mouthful of margarine. She swallowed and said, "I can't believe it's not butter!"

Now we have 5 kitties. It's like a zoo here. At night we hear them running around, fighting, hissing...it's insane. I'd like to present to you a list of things I like/don't like about having 5 cats:

Don't Like: Litter boxes/cat shit
Cat shit reeks. It's the worst smell ever. When their boxes are getting changed, they go hide somewhere and eat boxes of Cracklin' Oat Bran, hot dogs, and broccoli. As soon as you're done, they take turns emptying their bowels and high-fiving each other if either of us retch.
Like: Automatic litter boxes
They scoop themselves. You don't have to touch them until the little box is full of poop. Then you replace the litter cartridge and box with a new one. Boom. Done.

Don't Like: Cat puke
We have cats with bulimia. They eat, then decide they ate too much, then they puke. Butters (our most recent addition) can throw up a cat food meat loaf. You can always tell a Rollie throw up because it always ends with a hair ball. It's like a little black exclamation point at the end.
Like: Pollie likes to eat throw up
Our Pollie is a little cat throw up Hoover. He will feast on a pile of "leftovers" so all I have to clean up is the hairball.

Don't Like: Cat hair
Sweet mother of GOD!!!! The hair is everywhere. If I could get them all electrolysis I would.
Like: The Furminator
If you have a pet, get one of these. It's the best brush. Ever.

Now, I'd like to share some "off the top of my head" cat haiku. Please enjoy my half assed poetry.

Night
Black cat, orange cat
Quit fucking with each other.
I'm trying to sleep

Vomit
Retching gagging sounds
I can't see where he threw up
Ew, my sock is wet.

Poo
The box is now clean
Dig, wince, dig, scratch scratch
I need to throw up

So, how about some of your favorite "pet" things? Or, perhaps you want to blow your artistic load all over some haiku? Either way, please leave some comments.

Happy Pussy Petting!

Dana C.

Why October is the Most Awesome Month Ever

October is an amazing month in the New England/ Mid-Atlantic region. You have beautiful warm sunny days and cool extra-blanket-on-the-bed nights. You could have rain OR snow. It's hurricane season in the Atlantic so you may get some remnants (or the unfortunate direct hit) that bring rain, wind, even the threat of a tornado. The leaves begin their change and descent to the earth, diving, floating, spiraling towards the ground to get raked up. The sun gets lower in the sky which blinds me on my drive home. It's a blazing ball of fire that makes me think "I hope no one is stopped in front of me because I will run into them"...but then the sun so low makes some amazing sunsets too.

A beautiful Northbridge, MA fall

Raking leaves sucks. That's why I don't do it.

October is the month I got married in. The weather was perfect that day: bright and sunny and warm. There was a hint of crisp fall in the air, but it was comforting as opposed to feeling ominous.I had butternut squash risotto during our reception that just screamed fall. Our wedding invites had little autumn branches on them. It was the perfect month to get married in.

Beautiful weather on our wedding day, October 9, 2010

Amazing fall seating charts compliments of my talented sister

October means less bees. By now, you must know my fear of bees and how it basically owns my life. In October, the bees are so sleepy that even if you see one, it's too lazy to do anything except sit there and relax. Then I  can squish it with a shoe and dance triumphantly in a small circle with slightly shaking hands (even killing them scares the shit out of me) and feel empowered.

Die, bee. I hate you.

October means the beginning of all things "spice". I buy everything I can get my hands on that makes me feel warm and spicy. Hermit cookies, gingersnaps, hot cider, even apple cinnamon air freshener sprays to cover up the stink of cat pee. The candles have spicy warm smells and come in the relaxing colors of autumn, like burnt sienna and umber.

Warm, comforting scents...

Hermit cookies. Get them now.

October means a change in wardrobe. The summer hues, capris and sandals get stashed in the back of the closet and out come the fuzzy sweaters and scarves. Everyday is perfect for jeans, whether it's with a t-shirt or a sweatshirt. I celebrate the day my little pumpkin earrings make their way back into the rotation.

Cute!!!

What do you like about October? Leave a comment. If you have another favorite month, feel free to share it in the comments below, but don't expect to change my mind.

Nothing to Write...Letter N

I have a blockage. In my brain. This blockage is keeping me from thinking of things to write about. It's annoying because I have the energy to write, but my thoughts are too faint to focus on anything in particular. So, I'm just going to write about whatever I feel like.

I feel like talking about YouTube today. I have a bond with YouTube because we have so much in common. YouTube is a place where you can put anything, and "anything" is the perfect definition for the things that come out of my head. YouTube has a way of taking a sweet innocent video and turning it into something questionable simply by snapping a still frame of the video that kind of looks like a dick, but you're not really sure....so you click on it.Pretty much everything anyone says I turn into something questionable. It's a gift, really. I wish it was a gift that made me rich. Or wise. Or pretty much anything other than a perv.

Here are some more from my private stock...videos that make you wonder how I can function in society.

The answer to why we have to have shows like "To Catch a Predator"
Here's one from my favorite little kawaii girl, Venusangelic. This chick is nuts. She is all of 15 and she dresses like a doll and makes weird tutorials. I will remain obsessed...until she becomes of age. Then she will just be some wannabe Asian chick who dresses like a pedo-whore.

I watch you with no pants on
Human Giant was the best show on TV. Anytime you see something on MTV that makes you think what is wrong with people!?!?!, check out a video from Human Giant. This show was only on MTV for 2 seasons, but it is a serious tie for first place with Liquid Television.

Liquid Television: Animated Mind Fucks
So, since I mentioned Liquid Television, here's a clip from it. Liquid Television gave me some very memorable cartoons, such as Aeon Flux, and I remember watching Daria clips on there too. But this clip was more of the truly bizarre things you would see. They would put these short segments in-between the longer programs, and these gems would leave you thinking: What the fuck was that?

Keepin in realz....fo real real...not fo play play (my spell check just committed suicide)

I also like YouTube because there are so many real moments on it. YouTube sometimes gets a bad rap as a place where people post for fun, and some people do. And some people get recognized for their funny videos. But then some real shit happens. Not on YouTube but in their real life....and they share it with us. And they cry. And sometimes we cry. Because we feel like we know them as a character and their persona has caused to forget that they are a real human being. And when their realness is suddenly revealed to us we immediately feel their feelings because we didn't realize they even had them until that very moment. And then there are the videos of people who become known to us because they chose to share their pain in such a public forum. We all remember Jonah's video and all of the responses and support he received. I'll post it again in case you haven't seen it. Grab a Kleenex. If you want to see people who uploaded videos to show their support, click HERE to go to YouTube and in the search box, type in "What's going on response".

So cute that I have to punch myself in the face to come back down to real life...

Now, I don't want to leave you on such a sad note (as it is not really my "thing" to be serious) so here is one final clip. This clip is nothing but cuteness...I know it's OLD and everyone has seen it, but I don't give a shit, this is my blog :)

So, I hope you have enjoyed this trip down YouTube lane. Do me a solid and share a comment with one of your favorite videos on the interwebbies. Don't be shy, we're not here to judge.

Happy YouTubing!

Dana C.